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Put me back or move out, demands Feature Wall

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Up and down the country Featured Walls are turning against their owners. Their once benign existence has been shattered by a lick of colourful paint and matching cushions. 

“We had it easy once. We were happy in our light pastel shades, whites and magnolias… then those people moved in”

“What were they thinking, I mean who even likes aubergine or cranberry?”

Once happy in a room of like coloured walls where every wall was equal. Now, one wall stands out… an individual… a loner… a freak! Sniggered at by house guests and despised by partners, no wonder Featured Walls are wailing!

If you have a Featured Wall in your house, know this… your wall hates you.

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How about the best of 2, or is it 6? Diane Abbott’s got Brexit sorted

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Labour’s own Diane Abbott has tabled a motion aimed at finally solving the Brexit debacle, snappily named “How About The Best of X?”.

The brainchild behind the idea, an emerging Labour coalition of High Street Bookmakers (the gamblers), Brain Cox (the brains) and the RMT (the owners), said it’s a new era for British politics… “Long gone is the first past the post or simple majority system, this is now the age of the ACCA (Abbott Can’t Count Adjustment)”.

It’s simple said a party spokesperson, “You back your choice, nobody cares if you win or lose, we vote again, then again! After that if anyone still gives a shit we toss a coin. If that doesn’t give us the result we want then play the ACCA, Diane Abbott counts the votes, we win”.

Replying to a question about undermining the will of the people and the very fabric of the democracy we stand for, Jeremy Corbyn said “I’m not somebody with over-weening ambition, but a win’s a win!”.

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Squirrel inequality is driving us NUTS, declares Topic bar maker

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Squirrel inequality in the workplace is infuriating the makers of the famously hazle-nutty topic bar. In a series of leaked emails the company is pushing for the European Court of Rodent Rights to ‘even up the score’ and ‘make nut eaters great again’.

One company spokesperson said “Financial companies all over the world are being lead by Bears or Bulls, most FTSE 100 board meetings have at least one Elephant in the room! … don’t even get me started on Football clubs … wolves, cockerels, owls … it’s so unfair”.

Many independent observers have criticised the company’s motivation. Some have said the sudden rodent rhetoric is a thinly disguised attempt to boost their unofficial slogan “What’s got a hazelnut in every bite? … Squirrel shit!”.

Squirrels were unavailable for comment.

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Jeremy Corbyn joins in and resigns amid a wave of other Labour resignations

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In a knee-jerk reaction Jeremy walked out of his job declaring ‘I saw a wave of popular votes and just sort of went with it’.

At 11:30am today, just after his tea and biscuits, Jeremy Corbyn erroneously resigned as Labour leader, apparently in sympathy with a number of other resignations protesting against his policies.

After lunch Mr Corbyn realised his mistake and promptly wrote a private letter to Labour party members… an anonymous source close to the ex-leader indicated the letter contained lines such as ‘ah, ops!’ and ‘bugger it’.

Jeremy was unavailable for comment at the time but was quoted as later saying ‘No one ever takes me seriously, why now?’

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